Sexting, or what teenagers apparently call “dodgy pix”, “nudes” or “nude selfies” – not that I’ve ever heard them do that – is becoming standard practice among this age group. This announcement comes from the government’s Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre (Ceop) which is worried that most who do so are unaware that their actions could result in a criminal conviction. As a secondary school teacher and parent I can attest that we are in uncharted, daunting waters.

Yet while there is frenetic work going on over radicalisation and child sexual exploitation, the most recent official government advice on sex and relationship education was issued 15 years ago. There is no strategic focus on sex education and this remains shocking, particularly when figures show that 31% of girls and 16% of boys aged 13-17 report that they have experienced sexual violence at least once in their short lives.

 

The training given to teachers on sex and relationship education is either nonexistent or inadequate and we are left to muddle our own way through, should the topic present itself. It is unsurprising, then, that I and 62% of my fellow teachers are apprehensive about delivering sexually explicit content. Yet the issues raised by teen sex and relationships can affect our work as teachers.

How, for example, is the reality of sexting affecting young people’s emotional wellbeing and their educational attainment? And before the rolled eyes or exasperated sighs of “we can’t be surprised young people are obsessed with sex”, let us pause to consider how it might feel to know that five of your colleagues in the office have circulated a picture of your breasts or a dick pic. It would be difficult to return to work each morning amid the giggles and sneers, much less concentrate, wouldn’t it?

In the vacuum created by not providing personal social and health education (PSHE), this is increasingly the experience of our young people. And, as with most things in society, there is a heavy gender imbalance. According to the NSPCC, where sexting is concerned girls are “the most adversely affected”. The usual double standards abide; girls’ sexual expression is easily twisted into something to be ashamed of while boys can boast of theirs.

What the NSPCC finds is that, yes, sexting is an expression of burgeoning tween/teenage sexuality. But it is also, all too often, linked to harassment, bullying, control and violence. It objectifies and is largely coercive. Some girls become victims of “snaking” – a practice in which a boy befriends a girl, solicits “dodgy pix” only for them to be shared among his friends as a form of cultural currency. The French anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss posited that patriarchy is founded upon the “exchange of women” between men. It is something these teenage boys innately understand.

 

And so, in any given class, a teacher might find themselves managing the behaviours of a victim of sexual bullying and harassment, an abuser and countless online bystanders. Teachers, parents and, crucially, young people themselves, need sex and relationship education to be made compulsory. This is the only way to ensure that schools give it proper curriculum time. Currently state secondary schools are only required to cover sex education as it relates to contraception and sexually transmitted infections. Schools are therefore well within their rights to ignore issues such as pornography and sexting. It’s shocking to think that secondary academies and free schools do not have to provide any sex education at all.

We know young people are interested in sex, so educating them on these issues shouldn’t be about finger-wagging moralising. Neither should it be about criminalisation because, really, how many adults can remember passing up stolen fumbles with their teenage crush because, you know, it’s illegal. That is not the world as we knew it then or now.

Bullying certainly has come out of the shadows these past few decades.

At long last, schools, parents, and society at large have stopped repeating the tired old stick-and-stones slogan. The truth is, words do hurt. Bullying — true bullying — is known to have a negative impact on many areas of a child’s life and should not be ignored or tolerated.

 

What is Bullying, Exactly?
Bullying is when a more powerful person repeatedly behaves in a threatening, aggressive or humiliating manner toward a less powerful person. It can be a beat-up-a-small-kid-on-the-playground physical bullying, or social bullying, in which a victim is repeatedly ridiculed by a person or peer group.

Both situations can spill over to social media, so the bullied often feel as if they have no place to escape.

Related: Kids’ Safety on Social Media

Bullying is most common in middle school and the early years of high school, tapering off as teen mature into young adults. However, we’ve all run across a few adult bullies, haven’t we?

Rivalries, routine disagreements, or children simply not liking one another is not bullying. Kids and teens benefit from managing difficult relationships with other young people, which teaches them problem-solving skills. It also gives them a healthy sense of pride in knowing they can stand up for themselves.

Talking About Bullying: An Ongoing Conversation
When it comes to talking with your children about bullying, odds are you aren’t breaking new ground. Most likely their school has an anti-bullying program and your child has seen or experienced bullying in one form or another.

While bullying is no longer ignored, it certainly isn’t extinct. Try to make your family’s discussion of bullying open-ended and ongoing. This conversation, like most, is not a box to be checked off and then ignored.

During a routine chat about school while in the car or around the dinner table, you could say, “Hey, I was wondering if bullying is a thing at your school?” Casually wording the question is likely to get you much further than approaching your child out of the blue with an intense “Are you being bullied?” or “You’re not a bully, are you?”

Related: Best Parent-Teacher Relationships

As you have these conversations, try to sense the social climate in your child’s school. Is it a positive, supportive space with relatively little aggression, or is it more confrontational and hostile? Knowing this will give you great insight about exactly what your child’s days are like.

Bullied or the Bully?
It is easy to worry only about those being bullied while overlooking the bully. No, not every child who is a bully grows up to be a sociopath.

However, bullying behavior must not be dismissed. Parents of bullies need to respond strongly to stop the behavior and learn what is causing them to act that way in the first place.

It could simply be an immature way to gain popularity. Or it could be a sign children are struggling with deeper emotional problems. Often, those who bully need additional support and guidance from their parents, teachers, and counselors to engage with peers in more appropriate ways.

Related: Teaching Our Children Well

If children are being bullied, they may feel embarrassed or ashamed, and often are not willing to discuss it with their mom or dad. This is why ongoing conversations can make it easier. Establishing a regular family check-in will make it much easier for them to feel that opening up is OK. Keep in mind that everyone tires of the same old, “How was work? How was school?” question. Develop fun approaches to share the news of the day.

Keep Your Eyes Open
But as every parent knows, sometimes even the most innovative conversation strategy won’t result in much info.

Put on your detective hat and watch for changes in behavior, changes in peer group, changes in mood. This is where an established routine of keeping an eye on your children’s online presence can be helpful.

Related: Best Thing a Dad Can Do

While behavior changes can, and do, happen as a typical part of growing up, alarming changes like not sleeping or eating normally, giving up favorite activities, avoiding friends, and a sudden drop in grades need to be explored. Rule out bullying or other problems.

Bullying is a vast topic, one that has been much researched, written and reported on in the past few years. For a particularly insightful look at this difficult topic, check out Emily Bazelon’s 2013 book, “Sticks and Stones: Defeating the Culture of Bullying and Rediscovering the Power of Character and Empathy.”

Jill Kaufmann, LMFT, is a family therapist in Bend, Oregon.